Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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