She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
