my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
