The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
