one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
