my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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