Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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