I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
