I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
