Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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