I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
