I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
