Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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