Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
