i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
