I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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