She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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