Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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