When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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