Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
