Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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