Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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