I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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