This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
