I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
