the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sarcasm needs its own font
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
