You made me cry and you don't even care
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
