Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
