I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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