I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
