y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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