you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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