At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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