I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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