i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
