if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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