At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
