I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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