Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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