you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
