Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
