I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
