My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
