...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
