dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
