Got a toothbrush?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Sext me about skeletons
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