i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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