Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
