I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
