i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
