Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Less talking, more tequila
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
