On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
