Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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