I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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